Tender Buttons, aka Erica Leigh

A couple weeks ago Erica and I saw Cold Mountain. Talk about a big chunky turd. Oscar worthy, my ass. One problem I have when attending dumb movies with my sister is that I break out in uncontrollable laughter much to the chagrin of the other theater goers. Once I start laughing, Erica starts up and it never ends. If I so much as make eye contact with her or sense her eyes gazing upon me, I laugh. Sometimes a dumb movie trailer can set me off for twenty minutes (so blame Kevin Coster for making The Postman, not me). I am not proud of this and understand it is rude. I do not relish being inconsiderate to others. Times like these, the beast takes the reins.

At the end of Cold Mountain when Jude Law's character ironically dies after making it home safely from the Civil War where he was blown up, shot numerous times and sodomized by penguins, I relinquished myself to said beast. Erica, the only gal I know who's meaner and more heartless than me, (That's right Leona Helmsley, you can suck it, we got you topped.) made some snotty remark about me being cold to which I replied, "Oh yeah, I forgot, you're a tender button." That comment brought tears to her eyes. Not an easy feat.

But clearly I can't take credit for "Tender Buttons." I borrowed it from the title of Getrude Stein's ground breaking book. It had been a long time since I read Tender Buttons as an undergraduate, so I thought I'd go back and refresh myself, for Erica, my only sister. Below are some excerpts that I feel pertain to the above mentioned situation/sister:

A CUTLET.

A blind agitation is manly and uttermost

A SOUND.

Elephant beaten with candy and little pops and chews all bolts and reckless reckless rats, this is this.

A DOG.

A little monkey goes like a donkey that means to say that means to say that more sighs last goes. Leave with it. A little monkey goes like a donkey.

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