A great deal of my June has been going through No Tell Motel submissions from the month of May. I only have 108 left to go.
If you're still waiting to hear from me, have mercy. This time I decided to read the submissions instead of basing my decision on how much I like you. Reading the submissions takes a lot longer but I'm told it's more ethical.
On our way to the farmer's market on Saturday (which we missed because we were slow and lazy) Gideon and I happened upon a Metaphysical Fair. Of course I dragged him in to start the weirdofication process as early as possible. I love him so much I want him to live in my basement forever. He watched a lady dangle a metal object over my body to check my chakra. She said I was blocked. I corrected her. I'm not blocked, I'm clogged and my dreams make that very clear with the recurring motifs: overflowing lines, plugs and stopped up toilets (ew).
The healer hit a bunch of tuning forks together over my body and gave me some craniosacral therapy. She did the chakra check afterwards and now I'm clear and fixed for only $3. Fucking A! I'm dreaming of a flowing stream tonight.
Then I went to a palm reader. He saw my fears and smooth sailing from here on out. Exactly what I needed to hear. He said I should write mystery novels like Agatha Christie. He also said that I used to be my mother-in-laws' mother, Gideon was once my brother and Chris' cousin Helen is going to have a hearing problem and I should put some castor oil in her ear so watch out Helen. The reader also saw the following people in my life: John, Richard, Steve and Jacob. So dear John, Richard, Steve and Jacob, I'm looking forward to meeting you. Or maybe I already met you. Tough to say, I know like 50 of you fuckers.
The reading ended with this advice: WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR!
That's really good advice. I think I'm going to become a intuit reader and end every single reading with that advice. But you dear blog reader get it here first and for free as appreciation for your readership.