Ex-boyfriends Worse Than Fabio

If your new girlfriend confides that she used to date Fabio, take it in stride. It could be a lot worse. Much worse. It could have been one of the following celebrities:

1. Colin Farrell, aka the Lusty Leprechaun. Dating him indicates your new girlfriend most likely has several strains of the herp.
2. Rick Solomon, aka the guy in the Paris video. If she dated him, there's video tape which would probably hit the Internet a week before your wedding. Is that a deal breaker for you?
3. Tommy Lee, aka Mr. Pamela Anderson. Dude, if she dated him, your penis *will* seem small. Really small. Can you handle that?
4. Ben Affleck, aka Bennifer. She's a dumb ass, has no taste and easily impressed. Maybe that is a good thing?
5. Michael Jackson, aka Jacko. Obviously there was no sex, but this implies a plethora of issues, poor judgement, willingness to sell her children for a few million.
6. Bono, aka Satan's Toe Jam. See Michael Jackson -- replace "children" with "soul."
7. Ashton Kutcher, aka Demi's Boy Toy. No, you are not as hot as him. Yes, she is thinking of him when she's having sex with you. Don't kid yourself.
8. Jack Nicholson (post 1985). Ew, your girlfriend did it with a really old man.
9. Donald Trump (ever). Ew. Triple Ew. There are not enough billions of dollars in the world to make that right.
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