When I Rule The World . . .

. . . and am a tenured MFA professor I'm going to require all of my straight white male students write exclusively about the one subject that is true to their being and lives. I know hundreds, probably thousands of straight white guys, have them in my family, have always lived in their neighborhoods, attended school with them, hell, I even married one. Some of my best friends are straight white guys. I feel quite secure that I know what they're all about. That's why I'm going to insist that all my straight white male students write about titties.

I know, I know, there will be some initial resistance from some of my students. One guy will claim, "Well I'm more of an ass and leg man myself." To that I'll quip "Wrong culture darling, embrace your true self. Fight the urge to pretend to be something you're not"

Another guy will whine, "Sure, I like titties, but there's so much more to me than that. I have interests in . . ." This is where I'll cut him off and give him the speech about his responsibility to his culture. How can he turn his back on his forefathers like Hugh Hefner and Bob Guccione who fought against all odds for his right to purchase titty publications. Larry Flynt took a bullet and is a wheelchair. How can he deny his sacrifice? What about all of those men who toiled in medical school learning to create the perfect big breast? They pay very high fees for malpractice insurance and they do it gladly for men like him.

There will always be that sad, pathetic man who'll say "Don't tell me what's important in my life and to my culture, Ms. Never-Had-A-Dick. I'll define myself, thank you." To this I'll explain that the first step to becoming a true poet and getting an MFA at Rebbie U is to stop hating oneself. Then I'll throw a Penthouse Forum at him and tell to write more like those white guys. It's time for him to get real. Like it or not, everytime he steps into a room all the women are thinking the same thing, "He's looking at my tits."