Open Letters to the Campaign Trails

Dear Laura Bush, Bill Clinton, VA State Attorney and Lisa Marie Cheney (no relation to VP):

You guys can stop with the constant barrage of calls. I live in Virginia. It's not even a swing state. Yes, I'm voting and I'm more than decided on the candidates. Your taped messages are uninspiring. Your volunteers are abrasive and curt. These calls are interruptions and I'm trying to work on my piece of a collaborative poem and finish writing an article for the Carnegie Mellon alumni newsletter about No Tell Motel.

If you really want me to listen to a recorded message, have Jon Bon Jovi or Ricky Schroeder call. They won't influence my vote, but as a knocked-up housewife I'd appreciate the momentary fantasy such a call would create.

Dear Wesley Clark:

Stop sending me e-mails about candidates in Tennessee. I've never been to Tennessee. I can't vote in Tennessee.

Dear Trick or Treater Who Hassled Chris Last Night:

It's none of your business who we're going to vote for, you pushy little turd. Our house was already egged a few years ago and pelted with snowballs last winter. We don't know you and are not giving you a reason to attack the homestead. We're good people who just want to live our lives in peace. It's your job to show up in a costume on our doorstep, look either adorable or menacing, ring the doorbell, say "Trick or Treat" followed by "Thank you" and then promptly go away.

Sincerely,

Reb Livingston