Because I want to do certain things now and not put them off until my mid-40's when Gideon is older and doesn't need as much of my attention, I have work in a (sometimes hyper) direct and concise fashion. I have to make snatches of time as "productive" as possible. Often I stay up late and work with a little less sleep. This means "work" e-mails can be short and to the point. This means I can sometimes get tunneled into "business" and brush off someone's need to be assured or comforted. This means sometimes I come off as curt. This means I get right down to the nitty. I'm not saying that's a good thing and I try not to be insensitive, but sometimes it happens. I must admit, I get weary of having to tend to everyone else's feelings and needs and quirks and complexes and egos. I have feelings, needs, quirks, complexes and an ego too.

I start to get very tired and worn. I decide I'm going to quit everything and solely focus on Gideon and killer abs. Then I remember that I don't want to become the bitter 50 year old woman in the back row listening to my male peer talk about how you "just have to work" if you want to accomplish something, him seemingly forgetting how someone else took care of his children and home and basically his entire fucking life so he could "just work." I don't want to be that angry woman in the back row yelling at the moderately famous novelist that he never cleaned his house. Seriously, I recently witnessed that. Apparently I was the only person who understood where she was coming from -- everyone else chalked her to up to crazy bitch. Not me. I knew her. Well, I never laid eyes on her until that moment, but I KNEW her story (and later confirmed my knowingness). I know why the gnarled woman scoffs. It was easy to see. I explained it to a few of my male peers. They admitted to never thinking of it in those terms cause they don't have to think of it that way. That's why they're all at risk of becoming moderately famous writers exclaiming that people should throw Fritos on their floors before getting down to writing.

This is why I don't quit. This is why my belly is soft and Gideon plays with a flame thrower.