Oh Aren't We Pretty?

You know you're spent when it's a beautiful sunny 80 degree day, your husband is working from home and you're able to leave the house for hours, yet you sleep on the sofa instead. Why am I saying "you"? I'm talking about me. Actually, I'm not talking or saying, I'm writing, to be more specific, I'm typing.

This is all obvious. And mundane.

Two month doctor's check-up this afternoon. Weight: 12 pounds, 11 ounces (75 percentile), Height: 23 3/4" inches (80 percentile -- I was expecting this to be higher, tried to hide my disappointment), Head Circumference 42 cm (88 percentile -- genius!).

4 shots in the thighs. I thought I already heard every scream. I had not heard every scream. It was pretty bad. I didn't watch. Chris held his arms and chest and laughed! I was angry that he laughed. One should never laugh in a suffering person's face. Laughing should always be done out of earshot.

I also got angry this weekend at the Lake Anne Coffee House when some guy sitting right next to Gideon lit up a cigarette, noticed there was a baby next to him, apologized and got up to move and Chris said "Oh, it's OK, you don't have to move." Yes, he did have to move and it was good he was going to move and I can deal with people lighting up around me, but keep it away from my baby and I don't feel the need to be polite regarding these kinds of things.

Spent the evening at the spa. I have quite a bit of credit stored up there from gift certificates. A spa certificate is a delightful gift. One I appreciate. But the little voice in my head says: "He got this for you because you look like a hag." It's a mean little voice and does me very little good but he's covered by rent control or something like that because I can never get him to leave. If he did die, I'm sure his good-for-nothing nephew would claim residency, be even crueler and bring cockroaches.

My feet look really cute.

I'm going to post a call for submissions here soon. I sent it over to Molly for her to proof but she's had other stuff going on and hasn't gotten around to it. I usually try to run things past her because she's an awesome editor and has that eye and makes my language sound pretty and points out things like "this is really vulgar -- do you even have a goal?" or "it's spelled O-R-G-Y not O-R-G-E-E, you twat." Gee whiz.

------------------------------

Sam just sent this me. I'm not smart enough to comprehend most of it but I figured out that JUL isn't July, it's Julian -- like the calendar, no, it is the calendar. There's a calendar named Julian. I think. I wanted to name my son Julian, but Chris thought the name too effeminate. I always liked Julian Lennon and felt bad he didn't get the attention he needed from his dad.

Oh, yes, this is what Sam sent regarding Gideon's milestones. Sam doesn't measure the passage of time like the rest of us -- or at least not like I do. I shouldn't make assumptions about my readers, since I only know a handful of you and it's very likely many of you are freaks like my good friend Sam.

(For those unfamiliar with metric prefixes: Ms=megaseconds, Gs=gigaseconds, Mmin=megaminutes, kh=kilohours, d=days, kd=kilodays, mo=months, kmo=kilomonths, yr=years. 1 year is of course 365.242198781 days and 1 month is 30.4368498984 days.)

Born: 2453418.44097 Jul - 2005 Feb 16 22:35:00 UTC - 2005 Feb 16 5:35:00 PM EST
100 d: 2453518.44097 Jul - 2005 May 27 22:35:00 UTC - 2005 May 27 6:35:00 PM EDT
10 mo: 2453722.80947 Jul - 2005 Dec 18 07:25:38 UTC - 2005 Dec 18 2:25:38 AM EST
1 yr: 2453783.68317 Jul - 2006 Feb 17 04:23:46 UTC - 2006 Feb 16 11:23:46 PM EST
10 kh: 2453835.10764 Jul - 2006 Apr 9 14:35:00 UTC - 2006 Apr 9 10:35:00 AM EDT
1 Mmin: 2454112.88541 Jul - 2007 Jan 12 09:14:59 UTC - 2007 Jan 12 4:14:59 AM EST
2 yr: 2454148.92537 Jul - 2007 Feb 17 10:12:32 UTC - 2007 Feb 17 5:12:32 AM EST
1 kd: 2454418.44097 Jul - 2007 Nov 13 22:35:00 UTC - 2007 Nov 13 5:35:00 PM EST
3 yr: 2454514.16757 Jul - 2008 Feb 17 16:01:18 UTC - 2008 Feb 17 11:01:18 AM EST
100 Ms: 2454575.84838 Jul - 2008 Apr 19 08:21:40 UTC - 2008 Apr 19 4:21:40 AM EDT
4 yr: 2454879.40977 Jul - 2009 Feb 16 21:50:04 UTC - 2009 Feb 16 4:50:04 PM EST
5 yr: 2455244.65197 Jul - 2010 Feb 17 03:38:50 UTC - 2010 Feb 16 10:38:50 PM EST
2 kd: 2455418.44097 Jul - 2010 Aug 9 22:35:00 UTC - 2010 Aug 9 6:35:00 PM EDT
200 Ms: 2455733.25579 Jul - 2011 Jun 20 18:08:20 UTC - 2011 Jun 20 2:08:20 PM EDT
100 mo: 2456462.12596 Jul - 2013 Jun 18 15:01:23 UTC - 2013 Jun 18 11:01:23 AM EDT
10 yr: 2457070.86296 Jul - 2015 Feb 17 08:42:40 UTC - 2015 Feb 17 3:42:40 AM EST
100 kh: 2457585.10764 Jul - 2016 Jul 15 14:35:00 UTC - 2016 Jul 15 10:35:00 AM EDT
5 kd: 2458418.44097 Jul - 2018 Oct 26 22:35:00 UTC - 2018 Oct 26 6:35:00 PM EDT
15 yr: 2458897.07395 Jul - 2020 Feb 17 13:46:29 UTC - 2020 Feb 17 8:46:29 AM EST
500 Ms: 2459205.47801 Jul - 2020 Dec 21 23:28:20 UTC - 2020 Dec 21 6:23:20 PM EST
10 Mmin: 2460362.88541 Jul - 2024 Feb 22 09:14:59 UTC - 2024 Feb 22 4:14:59 AM EST
20 yr: 2460723.28494 Jul - 2025 Feb 16 18:50:19 UTC - 2025 Feb 16 1:50:19 PM EST
200 kh: 2461751.77431 Jul - 2027 Dec 12 06:35:00 UTC - 2027 Dec 12 1:35:00 AM EST
25 yr: 2462549.49593 Jul - 2030 Feb 16 23:54:08 UTC - 2030 Feb 16 6:54:08 PM EST
10 kd: 2463418.44097 Jul - 2032 Jul 4 22:35:00 UTC - 2032 Jul 4 6:35:00 PM EDT
30 yr: 2464375.70692 Jul - 2035 Feb 17 04:57:58 UTC - 2035 Feb 16 11:57:58 PM EST
1 Gs: 2464992.51505 Jul - 2036 Oct 26 00:21:40 UTC - 2036 Oct 25 8:21:40 PM EDT
300 kh: 2465918.44098 Jul - 2039 May 9 22:35:00 UTC - 2039 May 9 6:35:00 PM EDT
35 yr: 2466201.91791 Jul - 2040 Feb 17 10:01:47 UTC - 2040 Feb 17 5:01:47 AM EST
40 yr: 2468028.12890 Jul - 2045 Feb 16 15:05:37 UTC - 2045 Feb 16 10:05:37 AM EST


------------------------------

It's nice that Sam took the time to figure this out. Maybe Gideon will be smart enough to appreciate it.

I haven't seen Sam since he moved to Florida. This was the main reason I was against him taking that job and I have yet to replace him. I tried talking him out of it. I said the town he was moving to was an armpit. I don't even remember the town's name and have no idea what's it's like, but I did my best to be discouraging and I should have known better. He never listens to me.

Maybe I'll see him this summer if Ivan ever actually has that wedding. Ivan's already married to Juana, they had to do it quick else she was going to get sent back to Columbia. But they're not getting a gift from me until I get an invitation or an announcement or some kind of tangible evidence that he didn't just make up a woman named Juana. I'm not calling Ivan a liar. He's not, but his view of the world is different than mine and I just want to make sure we're on the same page before I plunk down cash on a crystal fruit bowl.

Or maybe I'll see Sam in November when I'm in Miami participating in this reading.

Maybe I'll see P.F. too. He says he'll be living in Miami for a year. I can't imagine P.F. in Miami. Maybe I need a better imagination.