A Day in the Life of a Culturally Elite Poet

7:30 a.m. Culturally Elite Poet Spawn wakes. I say, how about you go back to sleep? He doesn't. He's smelly, he needs a bath -- I contemplate Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience" and tell him he doesn't have it so bad. Wipe him with a warm wet cloth. Prepare breakfast: Cheerios. Toast. Fruit. Milk.

9:00 a.m.: Walk CEP spawn three doors down to daycare.

9:00 a.m - Noon: Correspond with other CEPs.

E-mail Shafer Hall, CEP, friend and poet whose first book, Never Cry Woof, will be published from my powerful and privileged press that I run from home on my personal laptop. I write, Shafer, on the very first page, do you think "Coin" in "Roman Coin datebook" should be capitalized?

Conduct e-mail exchanges with three other CEPs. Chat with additional CEPs via comment fields on poetry blogs.

12:30 p.m. - 1:00 p.m.: CEP exhaustion, take 30 minute nap.

1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.: Personal phone call with non-CEP, doesn't even read poetry, therefore not blog-worthy.

2:00 p.m. - 3:00 pm.: Log submissions sent to the very influential online magazine I run from my home on my personal laptop and personal home server. Don't bother reading submissions, just note the names, decide who I personally like the best and/or intend to sleep with. Correlate with my AWP notes, make sure I reward all drink buyers and past tug job givers. Reject CEP who puked on my new AWP shoes -- make "I'm Reb 'Fucking' Livingston" statement.

3:00 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.: Pick up CEP spawn. Tie him to chair. Read my own poems outloud, gauge his reaction. Make appropriate edits.

4:30 p.m.: Take shower. Put CEP spawn in line-edit time-out.

5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m.: Dinner -- dinner-time conversation: Shel Silverstein is a proletariat cocksucker. Not in *my* house, mister!

6:00 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.: Poetry Memorization Fun Time! CEP spawn memorizes first 10 poems in Bedside Guide to No Tell Motel.

7:30 p.m. - 8:00 p.m: Jammie-Jam/TV Time. Tonight: Earth Girls are Easy (starring Pittsburgh native, Jeff Goldblum, unfortunately no CEPs were on TV tonight)

8:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.: Correspond with 3 additional CEPs. Accidently respond to e-mail from insecure cultural nobody poet. Realize mistake. Boil laptop. Pray correspondence never becomes public.