Thursday, March 08, 2007

A Day in the Life of a Culturally Elite Poet

7:30 a.m. Culturally Elite Poet Spawn wakes. I say, how about you go back to sleep? He doesn't. He's smelly, he needs a bath -- I contemplate Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience" and tell him he doesn't have it so bad. Wipe him with a warm wet cloth. Prepare breakfast: Cheerios. Toast. Fruit. Milk.

9:00 a.m.: Walk CEP spawn three doors down to daycare.

9:00 a.m - Noon: Correspond with other CEPs.

E-mail Shafer Hall, CEP, friend and poet whose first book, Never Cry Woof, will be published from my powerful and privileged press that I run from home on my personal laptop. I write, Shafer, on the very first page, do you think "Coin" in "Roman Coin datebook" should be capitalized?

Conduct e-mail exchanges with three other CEPs. Chat with additional CEPs via comment fields on poetry blogs.

12:30 p.m. - 1:00 p.m.: CEP exhaustion, take 30 minute nap.

1:00 p.m. - 2:00 p.m.: Personal phone call with non-CEP, doesn't even read poetry, therefore not blog-worthy.

2:00 p.m. - 3:00 pm.: Log submissions sent to the very influential online magazine I run from my home on my personal laptop and personal home server. Don't bother reading submissions, just note the names, decide who I personally like the best and/or intend to sleep with. Correlate with my AWP notes, make sure I reward all drink buyers and past tug job givers. Reject CEP who puked on my new AWP shoes -- make "I'm Reb 'Fucking' Livingston" statement.

3:00 p.m. - 4:30 p.m.: Pick up CEP spawn. Tie him to chair. Read my own poems outloud, gauge his reaction. Make appropriate edits.

4:30 p.m.: Take shower. Put CEP spawn in line-edit time-out.

5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m.: Dinner -- dinner-time conversation: Shel Silverstein is a proletariat cocksucker. Not in *my* house, mister!

6:00 p.m. - 7:30 p.m.: Poetry Memorization Fun Time! CEP spawn memorizes first 10 poems in Bedside Guide to No Tell Motel.

7:30 p.m. - 8:00 p.m: Jammie-Jam/TV Time. Tonight: Earth Girls are Easy (starring Pittsburgh native, Jeff Goldblum, unfortunately no CEPs were on TV tonight)

8:00 p.m. - 9:00 p.m.: Correspond with 3 additional CEPs. Accidently respond to e-mail from insecure cultural nobody poet. Realize mistake. Boil laptop. Pray correspondence never becomes public.

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At 11:30 PM, Blogger K. Silem Mohammad said...

I've been meaning to apologize about those shoes, Reb.... Does this mean the blurb deal is off too?

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Justin Evans said...

Your day sounds exactly like mine. All except for that stuff in the middle about being a CEP, e-mailing other CEP's, edtiting books and an influential journal, having a laptop, talking on the phone with non CEP's, sending submissions to influential journals, being barfed on, having submissions to read, reading my poems to someone, talking while eating dinner, watching Jeff Goldblum, accidentally responding to non-CEP e-mails.

So pretty much this is it: I took a nap.

We are so alike we could be twins!

Are you as freaked out as I am at how similar our lives are?

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Reb said...

Not at all Justin, I've left a comment on your blog once -- I've responded to some on this, I recognize your name -- you're a CEP too. It's that easy. God bless America.

And for you KSM, as far as I'm concerned you're CEP non gratis until you write something favorable on your blog about a No Tell Book. Better do it fast, else you'll be the next "motherfucker" at AWP.

At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 2:52 PM, Blogger Cathy said...

Thanks for the laugh!



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