I Hear Penthouse Stories Pays

So No Tell Motel is receiving a metric ton of unusual submissions and quite a few "out there" queries. At first I chalked it all up to the mention in the last issue of P&W, but last night I discovered we're also mentioned in the latest issue of Writer's Digest.

Well, the submission box hasn't been dull, that's for sure. I think my favorite so far is the guy bitching at us for not mentioning in our guidelines whether or not we're a paying market. Now normally I would respond, but he specifically instructed that we not respond with our "cliche-ridden lectures" about how small presses can't pay and how he could provide a long list of small presses that do indeed pay. Hmm, I'm at a loss, he doesn't want my usual lecture and he's now forwarded that same e-mail to me 3 times in the past week, so I'm working on a new un-cliched lecture because I am nothing except here to serve:

Dear Sir,

Only a total douche nozzle would expect payment from an unaffiliated, unfunded online poetry magazine published by two housewives working from their livingroom sofas. Judging by your m4d query sk1llz, we'd be more inclined to pay you not to submit, but alas, as a small press we simply haven't the funds.

Discreetly Yours,

Reb "Fucking" Livingston