Sunday, February 15, 2004

The Tenors Want Their Testicles Back

Twenty-one things I learned this week during my trip to NYC:

1. Amtrak sells more tickets than seats.
2. A poet's life quest is to explain to the people that a.) War is bad. b.) Valentine's Day is evil. c.) The Jazz folks don't care about literature anymore.
3. P.F. stands for "Pretty Fucking Late"
4. There are people walking this earth who refer to P.F. as "Fletcher" or "Fletch."
5. All tenors should be respected and honored. One should not make jokes about their manhood.
6. Knowing a friend of a friend equals free drinks and discounted cover charges.
7. It is possible for a classic rock cover band to do a mean rendition of Outkast's "Hey Ya."
8. I remind some people of the wife from the cartoon "The Family Guy."
9. The wife from the cartoon "The Family Guy" is really hot.
10. Being in the same bar as the losers from "The Apprentice" is not particularly thrilling.
11. P.F. is not a poet of the people.
12. Owners of rare books stores get really upset if mentally handicapped people start knocking stuff over.
13. Just because you pay a lot of money for a pair of earrings does not mean they're actually intact.
14. Just because the store manager assures you on the telephone that they'll be open until 7 does not mean anyone will be there at 5:15.
15. Sometimes Tic Tacs are not enough to combat alcohol breath. Sometimes a cold shower is required.
16. Mexican is not appropriate cuisine for a Valentine's Day date.
17. Arnold Schwartzenneger plays a more compelling robot in "Red Heat" than in "Terminator."
18. Drew Barrymore is a line jumper.
19. Buddhist monks (heart) Drew Barrymore.
20. Laura does not (heart) Drew Barrymore.
21. Laura now realizes the error of Jello in eggshells.


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