Tom Orange's review of last night's Burlesque Poetry Hour.

Jamie and Dan lived up to the moniker -- a sausage party to remember

The Bachelor Life

Burlesque photos coming up later tonight!

Where I'll Be

TONIGHT

Daniel Nester, Karl Parker and Jamie Gaughran-Perez show their stuff at Bar Rouge in Washington D.C. Monday, May 29th. Reading will begin at 8:00 p.m.

This Week at No Tell

Molly Tenenbaum is loose as the tongue's unmouthed blob this week at No Tell Motel.

Yes, Hold Hands with the Sharp-Clawed Beast

Forgive me. My planets are going through a phase right now.

Varmint Family Photographs

Varmint Update

A couple days ago my suspicions were confirmed -- right before dusk I saw a raccoon climbing down a tree out back and onto our deck. I took a picture through a glass door. It's not such a good picture because I was probably standing too close to the glass and well, the windows are a little, ahem, spotty, ok. A little while ago I saw the raccoon climbing down the tree again with what initially looked like a squirrel in its mouth -- then I realized it wasn't a squirrel, it was a baby raccoon -- I thought, oh my God, she's eating her baby. But no, she was not eating her baby, she was carrying it. She was taking her baby for what a appeared to be a walk.

There's a family of varmints living on our roof/possisbly in our chimney. I did a little online research and usually raccoons are born in litters of four, so it's likely there's more babies up there. I also discovered that she's probably a single mom because dad raccoons don't hang around and help out.

I thought raccoons were nocturnal. It's a sunny day. Why is she taking her baby out now?

And just now she went up the tree sans baby and a minute later came down with another baby. Maybe they're moving? She needs one of those multi-offspring strollers.

No big travel plans this weekend. Being trapped in a traffic jam with the boy is not much of a getaway. We're going to the National Zoo tomorrow. He loves animals. Scarily -- so much, that I fear he'd crawl into a hippo's mouth to cuddle if the opportunity presented itself. I'll be following some actual and ever useful advice given the other day: Don't dangle him over the edge of any animal pits.

Words we'll follow. Promise.

Eileen talks about the financial basics of POD poetry books.

Since my first POD title was an anthology and I promised 2 copies per contributor and there were 88 contributors (including several international contributors) -- my numbers were higher.

What I learned:

Books that have numerous contributors -- offer 1 copy. I know that sounds cheap (it did to me, that's why I offered 2) -- but aside from having to pay for double the books -- POSTAGE became a big deal. 2 books weigh more than 1 pound. Packages over 1 pound have to be sent either priority mail or book rate (which takes WEEKS, possibly months). Two books don't fit in the priority mail flat rate envelope -- so the postage varied by destination. It really added up -- more than tripled my postage budget - a major blunder on my part.

Oh well, I know now.

Are we in agreement that really long book titles (more than four words) suck? Exceptions that don't suck?

Oh wait, I got one: THE BEDSIDE GUIDE TO NO TELL MOTEL -- but that's an anthology. Or maybe it does suck.

The one-two punch title -- vital?

Expected to wake to an inbox full of mail, but the server crashed again after I went to sleep. It's up now, but who knows for how long. If you sent me an e-mail, I have no idea when I'll get it.

Better session with my new pilates instructor this morning. No forced jokes. All was well.

I think that animal that's been terrorizing us at night tore through our garbage.

The Teletubbies are in France right now.

E-mail is up and slowly trickling in -- there's a backlog, so if you sent me something on Tuesday, I probably won't get it until later on Wednesday.

It doesn't look like I'm going to have e-mail until tonight when "tech support" gets home from NYC. This also means all listservs I run will be down until tonight as well.

If you need to get in touch pronto, send e-mail to: giltgilda (attt) hotmail (dottt) com

My e-mail has been down this morning.

On the Bright Side

This makes me feel much better about the occasional nasty comments I receive here.

"Peterb - grow up. You bought the game - if you dont like it - deal with it and go and sit in the toilet and cut your wrists quietly and leave the rest of us in peace!"

Nobody has told me to go kill myself and for that, I feel very fortunate.

It's Like a Sex Column . . .

. . . but has nothing to do with that either.

It'll Be a Memorable Memorial Day

Boys Gone Wild

This Week at No Tell

Max Winter gets in your drawers this week at No Tell Motel.

Had a great weekend with Bruce Covey at BEA. He told me so many outrageous and shameful things about you (followed immediately with "and don't put THAT on your blog!") -- if I seem kind of weirded out next time we meet, it's probably
because I know all about that thing you don't want anyone to know about. And trust me, you don't want that getting around.

The BookExpo was both amazing and appalling -- it made the AWP Bookfair look downright ghetto. The fanciest booth at AWP (Lulu), was positively dinky and dwarfed at BEA.

We stopped by the Coffee House booth and discussed an awesome up and coming Iowa poet they'll soon be publishing. Hung out for a while at the SPD booth, finally met Brent Cunningham and that guy who didn't like Dancing in Odessa, Ray McDaniel. Lunched with Katie Jamison of Lulu and gave her my wishlist (more paper choices, matte covers, better online documentation) and found out that the current paper is indeed acid-free. Drinks with Nick Twemlow sharing plans and ideas for our book presses.

Picked up some free review copies of hopeful "next big thing" novels. Think I'll give those to my grandmother. I took one simply because of its title, The Yummy Mummy. If I had time to read a novel, I'd read that.

Also grabbed an apron for Chris and a squishy little piggie for Gideon. Can't recall what either freebies were promoting.

Oh, caught a glimpse of Jim Belushi signing his latest audio book. How could I forget that? Didn't stop to get in line. Might have if it was John.

Suffering from the worst bout of pollen allergies ever. Lost my voice -- just like I did in Miami when I hung out with Bruce.

I'm sensing a pattern.

Theories

An animal in the tree dropping pine cones or acorns on the deck.

or

A bird or varmint is stuck in the chimney but we don't dare open the flue to check in case a bird or varmint is in there.

Blog and it shall happen

He's out there now with a flashlight. See, blogging really does work.

Registered for Saturday at BEA -- not sure what I'll be attending, will figure that out when I get there.

Hopefully I be enjoying some of the social events Friday evening. It is my intention.

For the past few nights, we've heard something rumbling underneath our back deck. Tonight it's really loud. I keep waiting for Chris to do one of those manly "I'll look into it" and go out with a flashlight to investigate.

The hell if I'm going out there to look.

My allergies are making me miserable.

New pilates instructor yesterday -- I fear there's going to be issues. She kept cracking corny jokes and I wouldn't give her the polite ha-ha smile. At one point she said "That's funny!" to indicate she just told a joke. I knew it was intended as a joke, but what it really succeeded in was annoying me. Stop trying to impress me with your wit and get back to reminding me about tightening my ass.

Behind on submissions. In the past month three poets who we extended offers to publish then informed us that some of the poems were accepted elsewhere. We accept simultaneous submissions -- but we expect to be notified immediately if the poems aren't available anymore. This happens from time to time, but never at this rate. I don't like "no simultaneous submission" rules -- but was toying with the idea after all the time spent on submissions we haven't been able to use or have to reconsider with new additional poems. I'm surly because we've received so many submissions these past few months and we're having a difficult time keeping up. Changed the response time from 2 - 6 to 2 - 8 weeks. Once the general queue is cleared out, we'll start reading the pervy poems.

That ought to cheer me up.

New Galatea Resurrects

William Allegrezza reviews The Bedside Guide to No Tell Motel in GALATEA RESURRECTS, #2 (A Poetry Engagement)

Other new reviews:

Chris Murray reviews OBEDIENCE by kari edwards

Barry Schwabsky reviews MERCURY by Simon Smith

Alan Baker reviews UNDER THE MIRACLE BRIDGE FLOWS THE SAND by John Bloomberg-Rissman

Thomas Fink reviews HOME ON THE RANGE (THE NIGHT SKY WITH STARS IN MY MOUTH) by Tenney Nathanson

PR Primeau reviews THE ART OF COUNTRY GRAIN ELEVATORS by Jon Volkmer

Mary Jo Malo reviews "PHENOMENA OF INTERFERENCE" by Steve Dalachinsky & Matthew Shipp

Ernesto Priego reviews [WAYS] by Barry Schwabsky & Hong Seung-Lye

Thomas Fink reviews CITY ECLOGUE by Ed Roberson

William Allegrezza reviews DRIVE: THE FIRST QUARTET by Lorna Dee Cervantes

Cati Porter reviews LOCKET by Catherine Daly

John Bloomberg-Rissman reviews 2 books by Catherine Daly: LOCKET and DADADA

Julie R. Enszer reviews LEARNING THE LANGUAGE by Kate Greenstreet

David Harrison Horton presents mini-reviews of four chaps: THE BODY ACHES [POEMS AND HAY(NA)KU] by Ernesto Priego; ON EVERY EMPTY LOT by Edward Stresino; LOST AND CERTAIN OF IT by Bryce Milligan; and GAZOOLY by Olivia Cronk

Laurel Johnson reviews from SERIES MAGRITTE by Mark Young

Richard Lopez reviews TYPICAL GIRL by Donna Kuhn

Julie R. Enszer reviews DESIRE PATH by Myrna Goodman, Maxine Silverman, Meredith Silverman & Jennifer Wallace (with a note on the book's publishing format by Sandy McIntosh)

Eileen Tabios reviews MORAINE by Joanna Fuhrman

Jon Leon reviews WAITING FOR THE RAPTURE by Kirby Olson

Barbara Jane Reyes reviews PRECIPITATES by Debra Kang Dean

Laurel Johnson reviews OPERA: POEMS 1981-2002 by Barry Schwabsky

Laurel Johnson reviews ONE THOUSAND YEARS by Corinne Robins

Eileen Tabios reviews RUSTLE OF BAMBOO LEAVES: SELECTED HAIKU AND OTHER POEMS by Victor P. Gendrano

Julie R. Enszer reviews THE UNDERWATER HOSPITAL by Jan Steckel

Rochita Loenen-Ruiz reviews PINOY POETICS, Ed. Nick Carbo

Tom Beckett reviews THE VICIOUS BUNNY TRANSLATIONS by William Allegrezza

Julie R. Enszer reviews POETIC VOICES WITHOUT BORDERS, Ed. Robert L. Giron

Barbara Jane Reyes reviews MUSEUM OF ABSENCES by Luis H. Francia

Julie R. Enszer reviews WAKE-UP CALLS: 66 MORNING POEMS by Wanda Phipps

Yvonne Hortillo reviews OCHRE TONES by Marjorie Evasco

William Allegrezza reviews SOMEHOW by Burt Kimmelman

Laurel Johnson reviews HEADING HOME by Loreta M. Medina

Kyoko Asana reviews SHOT WITH EROS: NEW AND SELECTED POEMS by Glenna Luschei

Rochita Loenen-Ruiz reviews POETA EN SAN FRANCISCO by Barbara Jane Reyes

Aileen Ibardaloza reviews THE UNABRIDGED JOURNALS OF SYLVIA PLATH (1950-1962), Ed. Karen Kukil


FEATURE ARTICLE
Sandy's Mom reviews Sandy McIntosh's THE AFTER-DEATH HISTORY OF MY MOTHER


FEATURED POETS
Guillermo Juan Parra presents Elizabeth Schön

Andrew Joron presents Brian Lucas


FROM OFFLINE TO ONLINE: REPRINTED REVIEWS
Timothy Yu reviews ASIAN AMERICAN POETRY: THE NEXT GENERATION, Ed. Victoria Chang

Juliana Spahr reviews BORN TO SLOW HORSES by Kamau Brathwaite

Joshua Corey reviews DOWN SPOOKY by Shanna Compton

Anna Eyre reviews PURR by Mary Ann Samyn

Barbara Jane Reyes reviews OCTOBER LIGHT by Jeff Tagami

Yvonne Hortillo reviews REAL KARAOKE PEOPLE: POEMS AND PROSE by Ed Bok Lee

Eileen Tabios reviews FORBIDDEN ENTRIES by John Yau

Lesle Lewis tonight at 7:30 at the Grace Church Poetry Coffeehouse in Georgetown. More details here.

Informal Poll I'll Probably End Up Ignoring Anyhow

Which title do you prefer?

CHARM'S VANDALISM or UNCOMMON CONCUBINE

Hmm, I think I'm going to rename my manuscript INNER LEPROSY.

This Week at No Tell

Noah Falck witnesses a car accident between two fleeing bank robbers this week at No Tell Motel.

May's "Crucial Rooster"

is now up.

Hey, I'm starting to catch up on work -- sort of.

If I have a manuscript of yours -- I should be getting back to you in the next couple of weeks.

If I have a No Tell submission of yours -- one from the first half of April -- you should hear back in a week. We're shutting down the general No Tell reading period for the summer. If you're planning on submitting, do so by the end of May else hold your sub until September. We're accepting Bedside Guide submissions until the end of June.

If I owe you a galley -- take another breath. I'll get to you, promise.

Looking like I'll be at the BEA next Saturday.

My "Crucial Rooster" column should be appearing later today at The Happy Booker

Also, I'm a secret guest for something that will be coming out in the not too distant future.

I'll be celebrating my SECOND mother's day this Sunday. Gideon better not punk out and get me crap.

If I get some sappy poem, I swear to god it'll be the year of green bean and broccoli dinners.

Today's Fun Unexpected Package

A new poetry series from Ecco:

Essential Dickinson selected by Joyce Carol Oates
Essential Keats selected by Philip Levine
Essential Wordsworth selected by Seamus Heaney
Essential Blake selected by Stanley Kunitz
Essential Whitman selected by Galway Kinnell

You know, you can get an incredible amount of reading accomplished under one of those salon hair dryers. I got more reading done in 15 minutes under one of those things than I did at home all last week. Must be those heat rays charging my brain.

I'm kinda blonde now.

Summertime or the first in a series of mid-life crisises?

Summertime.

Beltway Poetry Quarterly's Wartime issue, an anthology of poems by 46 authors from the Mid-Atlantic region, writing in response to the ongoing presence of the American military in Iraq is available.

Guest Editor: Sarah Browning

Contributors: Luis Alberto Ambroggio * Suzanna Banwell * Virginia E. Bell * Rose Marie Berger * Reginald Dwayne Betts * Linda Blaskey * Jody Bolz * Kyndall Brown * Grace Cavalieri * Adam Chiles * Kyle Dargan * Joanne Rocky Delaplaine * Zein Al-Amine * Yael Flusberg * Sunil Freeman * Parris Garnier * David Gewanter * Piotr Gwiazda * Leah Harris * Melanie Henderson * Esther Iverem * Reuben Jackson * W. Luther Jett * Fred Joiner * Christi Kramer * Joe Lapp * Mike Maggio * Judith McCombs * E. Ethelbert Miller * Carlos Parada * Linda Pastan * Marie Pavlicek-Wehrli * William Rutkowski * Ann Ryan * M.A. Schaffner * Johnna Schmidt * Jennifer Steele * Jeneva Stone * Venus Thrash * Lori Tsang * Melissa Tuckey * Bill Vander Clute * Rosemary Winslow * Ellen Wise * Marcella Wolfe * Ernie Wormwood *

Like I was saying the other day, "OmiGOD, I hate that guy, he's such a trouser snake!"

That's right -- real ladies don't say "dick"

. . . we say trouser snake. It's more sophisticated. I mean visual.

New chick blogger anthem or more deranged, discomforting hysteria? Same thing?

How about you go enjoy the poem and keep it to yourself.

Recently Received

The Spectacle of Meat by Maureen Thorson (Big Game Books)
to stand to sea by Susana Gardner (the tangent press)
A panic that can still come upon me by Peter Gizzi (Ugly Duckling Press)

6x6 Eleven (Ugly Duckling Press)

A demoralizing weekend

Had a $25 off coupon for Bloomingdales and didn't see a single pair of shoes I wanted. Found the most insanely perfect, gorgeous sunglasses. Initially tried them on as a joke because they were huge -- and was instantly transformed into a chic Jackie O. They were Chanel and expensive and I did not care, I had to have them. But I could not have them. They could not put in my prescription -- the lens were too curved and could only fit the thinest of prescriptions. I don't wear contacts and I can't use the glasses if I can't see. It was like finding your dream man only to discover that his penis doesn't work in your vagina.

Later that evening Gideon picked his nose, smacked his lips together, said "mama" and then ate his snot.

Now the family calls me Boogerhead.

This Week at No Tell

Jennifer L. Knox says “I love you, baby” then throws hydrochloric acid in your face this week at No Tell Motel.

What I'll Be Listening To Once Somebody Goes Down For His Nap

The Goodnight Show: Come See About Me

Dear Washington Post Express Editors:

In addition to misprinting my blog's URL, you also failed to mention that Gideon wears an "I smell like cheese" tee from Titus Buttry's Cr@p Shack.

Sincerely,

Mrs. C. Jackal, concerned mother and publicity whore to all friends

See, Blogging Really Does Work!

My commuter pal, Kim, informed me that my morning glory seeds comment was quoted in this morning's Washington Post Express -- the free paper given to metro commuters. It appears in "The Blog Log" section -- right after the weather, classifieds, crossword and about 2000 advertisements on page 32.

Not that my comment was attributed correctly, the URL provided was cacklingliberal.blogspot.com -- interesting since I rarely write about politics and if anything, I'd be one of those "cackling centrists" (Oh Wesley Clark, why did you have to go all dreamy metrosexual on us? Everyone likes black turtlenecks -- on men we're banging, not electing!)

Details, details, but hey, it's nice to be reprinted among such thoughtful commentary as:

"I just love that Jessica Simpson is getting crazy jealous . . . I just can't wait to hear stories of Ashlee Simpson hooking up with Nick Lachey." from Egotastic.com

Omigod, I JUST love it too!

and While I'm Up Late Reading the News . . .

. . . one more, oh my god, another thing I have to worry about now that I have a kid:

Once popular in the hippie era of the 1960s, morning glory seeds as a hallucinogen seem to have sprouted once again. Local gardening shops have noticed their seed stocks depleted by adolescent hands, and poison control centers in the District and its suburbs have received calls from hospitals with patients experiencing adverse reactions, or bad trips, from the seeds.

I'll be doing a surprise morning inspection of Gideon's diaper drawer and underneath his crib mattress. If I so much as sniff a petunia . . .

I'm one of those "involved" parents. Nothing gets by me.

Study reveals gender divide in use of new media

After one of the most comprehensive studies of the effect on children of the explosion in media choices of the past 15 years, the regulator Ofcom said girls aged 12 to 15 are more likely than boys to have a mobile phone, use the internet, listen to the radio and read newspapers or magazines. Only when it comes to playing computer and console games do boys overtake girls.

OK, if you include a note from your mother, you may submit your "sex act" poems for the 2007 Bedside Guide.

But keep in mind, we will be comparing signatures!

That reminds me about the time in elementary school I got busted forging my mother's signature on an assignment I was supposed to show her. The teacher didn't notice, but a few weeks later my mother eventually found it with "her signature." I argued that she did indeed sign it and just didn't remember doing so. She didn't buy it. Not for a minute. The dead give away? I misspelled both her first and last name.

Call for 2007 Bedside Guide Submissions

The editors of No Tell Motel are considering unpublished poems for the 2007 edition of THE BEDSIDE GUIDE TO NO TELL MOTEL. This collection will include some of the most seductive poems already appearing in No Tell Motel as well as new ones from poets who have not yet appeared in the magazine.

WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR

Sex appeal, playfulness and discretion in the broadest sense. Please refrain from submitting "sex act" poems. For an idea of our editorial tastes, visit No Tell Motel and read the poems we've already published or better yet, peruse a copy of the current BEDSIDE GUIDE.

GUIDELINES

Send up to 3 poems to bedsidesubmit (at) notellmotel (dot) org in the body of the e-mail. DO NOT SEND ATTACHMENTS.

Unpublished poems only

Include brief bio

Deadline: June 30, 2006

Payment: One copy of book

Editors: Reb Livingston & Molly Arden

Publisher: No Tell Books

This Week at No Tell

Josh Hanson climbs out of despair this week at No Tell Motel.